Idols and Shadows

I decided that I needed to write again. However, in trying to settle on a topic, I ended up looking back to my last post to see what I had written. After going through it, here I sit, on my bed, my eyes overflowing with tears.

I confess, that effort to live out sanctification has failed over the past few months.

It seems as though whenever I put something ahead of God, it ends up being people instead of things. Idolatry is not meant purely for golden calves, as Sunday school may have had us believing as young children. But I seem to make idols out of the people that I interact with, placing my relationships with others above my relationship with the Lord. And I'm afraid that concerning the lesson I learned, I did not treasure it in my heart as I should have.
I had said yes to God, and I had meant yes. But the circumstances that came after that decision caused me to act as though I had said no. And I didn't realize it. I did not look critically enough at the way that I was living in regards to the whole situation to see what I was doing. And with the fact that it revolved around others, leads me to ponder the concept of love.

I've been thinking lately a lot about the concept of loving others, and what that looks like. Partially inspired by the thought of love languages, I've realized that the way that I try to show love to others is more the way that I want love to be shown to me, and not necessarily the way that they would like to receive love. I know, this sounds kinda weird, but if you understand what I'm talking about, then you can understand how this is potentially a huge topic to dwell on. There are some people with whom I am hyper-aware of how I treat them. Past experience has taught me that my attention needs to be direct to the words that I choose to use and the tones that I emphasize. How I talk to one of my sisters, for example, cannot be echoed in how I talk to another, and both of these may be different than how I talk to the third. Everyone receives words and acts of love differently. So how can I show that?

On the other side of things....how can I show love to God? For One who epitomizes the word, whose very existence is its definition, is reflecting Him how I show Him I love Him? Seems that way to me. Huh - look at that. One sentence, and I may have an answer for once.

But here's the catch. To reflect God, to show our love for Him in reverent adoration, both to Him and to others, we must know who He is. What He stands for, what characteristics abound in His being. Same with others; in order to see how they love and receive likewise, we must know them. Who they are, what they stand for, what their characteristics are. This takes time. This takes purposeful relationship building. And in trying to develop that, it seemed to me that I had lost sight of the Foundational Relationship, the one essential both to my own survival, but also to that of my friendships. Knowing and reflecting Christ is the best jump-start to any relationship. And by forgetting Him, I had allowed my other relationships to crumble.

"The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ."
- Oswald Chambers

Behind Door # 1

Praise God for answered prayers!

Having recently realized that I had not ever given full surrender of my life up to God, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was high time that I did so. I made and continue to make a conscious effort to live the life of Christ, letting the Spirit work through me, and moving myself out of the way. It's not easy. And I don't always succeed. But I'm trying. Actually trying this time, not like before when I was living like God just took what He wanted and I had to try to be a good person the rest of the time. So, yes, the last few weeks in a nutshell: living out sanctification.

So I've been praying for a bit for God to reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not giving up to Him. Listening is the tough part...trying to hear the not-always-obvious ways that God points these things out. I know there are things that I'm trying to keep for myself, but I'm not always sure how to classify them or make it better.

Well, today at church, God answered my prayer, in part. I was trying to pray along with the Captain after the sermon, and my mind kept wandering to recent events and hypothetical situations involving some friends of mine. He reminded me of the fact that I tend to idolize people. Which of course, got me a little repentant and ashamed, because I know it's true. I tend to count more on others to fulfill my life, and not be filled by the love of God. But then God posed a question to me:

Would you be willing to give this person up for me?

Which I had absolutely never thought about before. So I thought and prayed about it.

You mean, like, give them up? Entirely? Never talk to them again? I couldn't talk to or hang out with or share with or potentially grow with ever again? Why would you ask me to do that? Could I do that? ....

YES, THAT'S WHAT' I'M ASKING. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

So I thought about it. Do I want to give that up? This is one of those things where I shut God out of my life. What kind of sacrifice am I willing to make to live the way He wants me to? My conclusion:

...No.

I don't want to do that...

Which immediately left me feeling low, empty, alone, turned off and tuned out. And I knew then the choice that had been laid out in front of me.

So, as soon as we were dismissed, I headed back to the prayer room in the back of the building, tears streaming down my face the whole time. And I paced. And I sat. And I stood and rocked. And I cried. But most importantly, I prayed. I verified what the request was. And I prayed in a spirit of sorrow, of despair. I felt like the daughter of Jephthah, asking for a brief time of mourning over what I would lose. And I grappled with it for what seemed like forever.

And I came to a place where I could say, "I don't want this. But if it's for my benefit and for the glory of Your kingdom, then I offer it up and give it for you to take." I decided that I would live through this fear of being alone to know Him better. And I sang a bit. Key phrases of songs that I love, like from one of Phil Laeger's:

Show me Your face: the heaviest cross will then seem light to bear
There will be gain in every loss and perfect peace with every care
...Show me Your beautiful face and all the rest will fade away.

And I cried some more. And I lifted up my arms in praise of the One who fills me with more than anyone ever could. I offered myself in trust of my Caring Father, who works everything out for the good of those who love Him. And I prayed that He would help me be okay with not having control, and help me hear how to honor Him in this request, since I have no idea how to go about doing this.

And as I glanced over at the wall, having made my vow and given up those who I hold dear, I saw this verse, which gave me great hope:

Have faith in the LORD your God, and you will be upheld. - 2 Chronicles 20:20

Six months later....

I've gone through a long and harsh winter season. Literally and figuratively. But I was inspired to write today as I was walking home. Here are my thoughts:

Today's temperatures skyrocketed for our small town, going from mildly cold yesterday to near 60 today. People were wearing shorts, very few of us had coats, and all around we as a community were enjoying this mini heat wave that graced our campus.

Now, the snow is mostly gone. Almost all of it. And as graduation rapidly approaches, the campus will transform from Winter Wonderland to Alice in Wonderland. No, not really, but I liked it, so I wrote it. Point being, it's gonna look good. But it's not quite there yet. In fact, it's nowhere near "pretty".

The overall colors that hit one's eyes seem to be muted. Everything has an air of dead around it. No leaves yet. The grass is a very dull green with lots of brown spots. The creek is frozen over with some puddles lying on top of the ice and little ripples along the banks. Dead leaves cover everything, sticking out from underneath the snow, blowing across the sidewalks. Snowbanks that have been plowed to the side of the road are inundated with dirt, melting into streams of grime and mire. And large, fat ravens stalk the lawns.

And yet, beneath all the signs of death and time holding still, there's still some aspect of potential. You know that the green hues of the grass will spring back to life. Those dead leaves will get raked up or disintegrate and feed the ground again, and new leaves will spring out from the blossoms that pop up first. The sparrows will (hopefully) outnumber the ravens. The snow will melt, the creek will flow at normal speeds. And the sand and dirt and salt still left on the roads will be washed away.

So, the potential is there. And the lifeless signs are there as well. So where's the redemption? In the midst of feeling like I need to recover, to come back to life, to step back up to the beauty that I was created to be, I can only see a wasteland. But I know there's potential there! I know that underneath all of the muck, there's beauty to be seen, experienced. So where is it? It comes in the small things. Today, I felt the warm breeze on my face, blowing my hair, not the biting wind. I heard wind chimes softly ringing in the distance. And I saw the sun! It peeked through the clouds, warmed up the air, cast shadows, promised hope! Fulfilled light!

These little things encourage me. They tell me that the wasteland can be cleared, and the beauty will show once again.

The Normal Questions?

Today I mourn.

A very good friend of mine passed away this morning. To my understanding, about a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer, and it had very rapidly progressed since. On Thursday I found out he was going home with Hospice, so I knew I was just waiting. This morning, he was what we call in The Salvation Army "promoted to Glory". And I know that my friend Ray has no more suffering, no more pain, no more disease, and is with his Lord and Savior, rejoicing in fellowship.

But today, I mourn.

And primarily because of his passing, which is understandable. But I also mourn the fact that I'm now dealing with issues of faith that seem to me to be almost irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but incredibly integral to the way that I interact with other Christians in this setting. For the past year, hundreds of people were praying that Ray would experience miraculous healing. I saw phrases like,

We pray that God will give you healing and comfort. ....and....
I pray for you every day, and I know God will bless you because of how much you've blessed me. ...and.....
We love you. Know that we're praying for a fast recovery and we believe God will give it to you.

and other notes of encouragement to the believers that if we pray enough and with fervor, somehow he would get better. And it angers me to think that these people would spiritualize the situation so much that they forget the reality. And the reality is that God sometimes answers prayers with a "no". Now, I'm not looking for a debate on this. I realize that there are key aspects to having faith that I'm not acknowledging. But I'm not addressing that now. We can talk about that later.

The other thing is reminiscent of the fact that literally hundreds of people were praying for Ray to get better. And even though we know that he's in a better place, without the distress that he ended his life in, and he gets to experience the glory that most of us are longing for - - - I have to ask why? So many of us wanted Ray to get better. And we reconcile his passing with "Well, God wanted him there with Him." Does that mean that God was selfish? I want to be selfish! I know that heaven is better for Ray than here, but I want Ray back. I feel like if Ray were at his best here on earth, if he had gotten a miraculous healing, that he could have accomplished so much more. Why couldn't God give him back to us? Why didn't God let him do more for Him? And if God really wanted him so much....can't He understand that we want him that much too?

I write this in an attempt to have a bit of catharsis, because I'm tired of crying. I've cried small tears for weeks, and much more today. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I'm feeling, and the things that I'm asking. I wish that you all could have met Ray. He was a great guy... the kind that you never forget, nor want to. I loved him. He was an example and an encourager to me, and I shall miss him dearly. And I pray for Ray's wife and son, and I ask that you do the same. I don't expect answers to these questions. If you have insight, feel free, as usual, to share it. But keep in mind the community that is mourning and questioning. We lean on our God, because we know that He will never leave or forsake us. Just like He was always with Ray.

Seasonal Shift

I hear people say that there is a season for everything. Yes, yes, I know that's true. But for someone who likes schedules and control, and for whom change is especially difficult to overcome, moving from one season to another tends to send me into a bit of an uproar.

My parents are moving to another state while I'm traveling with work this summer. It's not that I'm upset about this, because being away at school 9 months out of the year means that it doesn't affect me too much. But the idea of not being able to go back is strange. I doubt that there's anyone that I'll miss too much, or places that I wish could transfer over, but the concept of leaving it all behind still bothers me. And the fact that I will not need or be able to settle in this new place is also a little disconcerting.

My social circles at school are changing. I've seen people leave and I watch new people coming in. It's not bad. Just different. But different is hard for me, especially with relationships. I think I've placed too much emphasis on them, but at the same time, I feel that if I cut off from them, I'm becoming too distant. Do I have that happy medium?

So here's my thought. If God provides a season for everything, He must also provide the transitory period between them, right? How does one search that out? Other than merely asking for it, what does one focus on through Bible study and fellowship and meditation and things like that on how to adapt from one season to the next? I know that trust is the first thing. So, the trust is being put there. The attempts at surrender for the sake of being kept are being made. What else can I do, and how can I change?

Gut-wrencher

You ever get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you're supposed to do one thing, especially if it's to set an example for someone else, and you've just gotten through doing the exact opposite? And not only do you get that condemnation for not doing what you ought, but you also feel that conviction in your spirit, so your whole torso gets that twisting, tightening, gut-wrenching feeling. You know?

Yeah, me neither.

Lies. I had that entire thing yesterday. The topic of teen night was one that I had been wrestling with only a few days before, and had been soundly defeated. And despite the wrestling that I had done since with learning how to be forgiven and how to overcome this thing that was weighing me down, I still felt like it surrounded me. This sin was still holding me in bondage, it felt. And I sat there, talking to these young teens about this very sin, and how important it was to overcome it, and I didn't think that it was possible for me.

I compare this sin to the things that I want in life, because while I continue in it, I can't have what I want. I compare what I know to be right with what I want to have happen. I compare the things that I've resolved to strive for with the things that I've resorted to accepting. And I'm disappointed. And I'm dejected. And I despair in who I am. And this is where the condemnation vs. the conviction can become a trap. Condemnation is bad, conviction is good. However, the devil can use your feelings of conviction and turn that into feelings of condemnation if he knows you're vulnerable to it. And that's where I find myself.

I know who I am, and I know who I am to become. I know what price was paid for me, and I know what I need to do and change in order to fulfill the promise that accompanies my life. But I know that I mess up, like any other human being. As much as I try, and as much as I tell myself over and over what it is that I want, believing and striving for that righteousness of Christ, I still fall into sin. It happens. I gotta learn from it and move on. And that's difficult; it's hard to change your lifestyle and your mindsets. I can't let the fact that it's difficult send me into a despair that it won't be accomplished. I'm strengthened to overcome; no temptation is too difficult to disregard. I can do it. And even if not for myself, solely to set an example so that the teens that I was so embarrassed to sit in front of last night may not have to experience that same gut-wrenching feeling.

Knowledgable Hypocrisy

While talking with a friend of mine, she compared Christians with politics. The comparison wasn't favorable despite the fact that she's a Christian herself. However, she's come across an unappealing view of Christians one too many times. I think we can all agree that Christians aren't perfect and never appear to be, but when hypocrisy comes across as the overarching description, then the viewer has every right to feel jaded.
Basically, the main complaint she held was that especially when it comes to service-oriented work or Christian-based employers, all that's needed to gain favor is to say the right thing. Never mind being honest and sharing your opinion, just use the right language and you're in. Once you've got the position, you can do whatever you want, and as another friend of mine chimed in, no one will care whether your actions are right or not, as long as it looks good. Like politicians.
Hypocrisy is wrong. It shows a lack of integrity and character. And for the good guys who hold on to their standards and continually act on their own conscience and belief systems, they see the things in life that they desire go flying by and given to the ones who fake it. And they get hurt and mad and feel gypped. And let's face it, they are.
But let's face another truth: it's not going to change. You're always going to run into people who lie and cheat and steal in order to make it to the top. It's part of life; it's part of humanity. And even though these are 'Christians' who should know better than to be hypocritical and who should act accordingly, quite often it's easier or more beneficial to say the right thing and do what you want.
Here's the question that is necessary for everyone to ask of themselves. Can the hypocrisy be helped? Is it on purpose? "Oh, no! Of course not! I'd never choose to be hypocritical." No, I don't suppose you would. But are the answers given and the face shown to others portrayed because it's right? Or because it's you? Maybe you know the answer, you comprehend all of the intricacies of the information, and you can regurgitate it to look good in front of someone else. But when it comes to your actions, your speech, the way you treat others - is the same information coming out? It comes from the heart, so are the right answers heart knowledge too, or merely head knowledge? Even if we're 'the good guys', is there something that we're doing that's just as hypocritical because our knowledge hasn't transfered from head to heart? Ask yourself.