First of all, I laugh at the horrendously pathetic attempts I make to use alliteration in my titles. How cheesy. =P Okay, on to business.
Sometimes I wonder where the line is to be drawn between the selfishness of wanting to hear from God while doing His work and the reality that God speaks to the minister as well as those to whom ministry is being done. The Salvation Army Student Fellowship on campus has their annual Missions Trip coming up. We leave this coming Friday and are going to be in the southwest Ohio region until next Sunday. This is a very exciting trip for me, because I used to live down there, and I look forward to returning for a brief visit to familiar areas. But we're also going to be working with teens and helping with praise and worship for meetings, which are two of my favorite things to do in the church, so my excitement level is raised all the more.
However, with the number of people going, and the lack of difficulty in our tasks this coming week, I find myself wondering why I'm going. It's not like I made a conscious decision to go: I'd had planned all along to go and it really wasn't a decision for me to make; I was just going. My specific tasks on this trip aren't anything special. I'm leading a few songs, singing with the band, moderating a game or two, and giving a testimony. Simple, right? And easily covered should I become incapacitated for some reason or another. So, what's my purpose for going? I'm not needed. It's not imperative that I go along. So, why am I?
I'm not thinking of backing out. I still want to go. It should be fun, and I don't serve people enough in my life, so I'm hoping that this gets me into a habit of offering my time and talents to others. I also want to get something out of this trip. I want something for me. I want to hear God speak to me, give me some direction, urge me to grow through something specific. I almost want that more than I want to serve. Is it wrong to be so selfish about a missions trip? Everybody I've ever met that's gone overseas on a missions trip talks about how their own lives were changed while they thought they were going to change the lives of others... am I allowed to want that even before I leave?
It's taking a great deal of attention to not become self-centered about this trip. I don't want to view this as a mini-homecoming for myself. I don't want to get caught up in the trap of "I've been in the Army all my life, and I know how things operate, so I'm better at this than you." Unfortunately, I've done that before. It doesn't get me any friends, I'll tell you that much. I don't want to get all pout-y because I'm not the center of attention. Because honestly, one of my biggest faults is that I have real problems with favoritism when it's not directed towards me. But I don't want my focus to be on what I'm going to learn, either. Somehow I feel that that's selfish, too; that it distracts me from the work that I will be doing.
So how much of this desire for myself is valid? How much of it am I allowed to indulge in without feeling like I've turned an opportunity to serve the Lord into an act of self-idolatry? And most importantly, how can I focus my attention where it needs to be, changing my thoughts so that I can be of the utmost use where God chooses? I don't know that I have anything to offer these adults and youth groups that we'll be working with. And with my current mindset, I don't know if anything that I could potentially give is going to be worth anything. It's not that I'm pessimistic about being used. I honestly don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind to be utilized. Got any idea?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
So the first time I went to Russia, everything changed two days before we left the country. We had planned to work mostly in orphanages, but that was pulled, and as a result we spent a lot of time the first couple of days being touristy and going around to different places in Moscow and Vladamir. This wasn't what we had signed up for, we wanted to be doing something hands on. Our own expectations were blocking God from touching us. By the end of the trip some of us were still struggling with our lack of serving (which of course was based on our own notions of what that means). At that point a friend of mine, who was also on the trip, said something profound that I've never forgot. Sometimes serving others is more about being instead of doing. What matters is that you are going and connecting with people's lives, just by your very presence. We live in an age where we want immediate gratification. We want to see our fruits. But God works through different people and events in each our lives, through a journey. You may just be planting the seed, and you need to be content with that. In the light of being vs. doing, and returning for a second year, I was blessed to see the impact I did have just by being with people.
Post a Comment