Idols and Shadows

I decided that I needed to write again. However, in trying to settle on a topic, I ended up looking back to my last post to see what I had written. After going through it, here I sit, on my bed, my eyes overflowing with tears.

I confess, that effort to live out sanctification has failed over the past few months.

It seems as though whenever I put something ahead of God, it ends up being people instead of things. Idolatry is not meant purely for golden calves, as Sunday school may have had us believing as young children. But I seem to make idols out of the people that I interact with, placing my relationships with others above my relationship with the Lord. And I'm afraid that concerning the lesson I learned, I did not treasure it in my heart as I should have.
I had said yes to God, and I had meant yes. But the circumstances that came after that decision caused me to act as though I had said no. And I didn't realize it. I did not look critically enough at the way that I was living in regards to the whole situation to see what I was doing. And with the fact that it revolved around others, leads me to ponder the concept of love.

I've been thinking lately a lot about the concept of loving others, and what that looks like. Partially inspired by the thought of love languages, I've realized that the way that I try to show love to others is more the way that I want love to be shown to me, and not necessarily the way that they would like to receive love. I know, this sounds kinda weird, but if you understand what I'm talking about, then you can understand how this is potentially a huge topic to dwell on. There are some people with whom I am hyper-aware of how I treat them. Past experience has taught me that my attention needs to be direct to the words that I choose to use and the tones that I emphasize. How I talk to one of my sisters, for example, cannot be echoed in how I talk to another, and both of these may be different than how I talk to the third. Everyone receives words and acts of love differently. So how can I show that?

On the other side of things....how can I show love to God? For One who epitomizes the word, whose very existence is its definition, is reflecting Him how I show Him I love Him? Seems that way to me. Huh - look at that. One sentence, and I may have an answer for once.

But here's the catch. To reflect God, to show our love for Him in reverent adoration, both to Him and to others, we must know who He is. What He stands for, what characteristics abound in His being. Same with others; in order to see how they love and receive likewise, we must know them. Who they are, what they stand for, what their characteristics are. This takes time. This takes purposeful relationship building. And in trying to develop that, it seemed to me that I had lost sight of the Foundational Relationship, the one essential both to my own survival, but also to that of my friendships. Knowing and reflecting Christ is the best jump-start to any relationship. And by forgetting Him, I had allowed my other relationships to crumble.

"The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ."
- Oswald Chambers

Behind Door # 1

Praise God for answered prayers!

Having recently realized that I had not ever given full surrender of my life up to God, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was high time that I did so. I made and continue to make a conscious effort to live the life of Christ, letting the Spirit work through me, and moving myself out of the way. It's not easy. And I don't always succeed. But I'm trying. Actually trying this time, not like before when I was living like God just took what He wanted and I had to try to be a good person the rest of the time. So, yes, the last few weeks in a nutshell: living out sanctification.

So I've been praying for a bit for God to reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not giving up to Him. Listening is the tough part...trying to hear the not-always-obvious ways that God points these things out. I know there are things that I'm trying to keep for myself, but I'm not always sure how to classify them or make it better.

Well, today at church, God answered my prayer, in part. I was trying to pray along with the Captain after the sermon, and my mind kept wandering to recent events and hypothetical situations involving some friends of mine. He reminded me of the fact that I tend to idolize people. Which of course, got me a little repentant and ashamed, because I know it's true. I tend to count more on others to fulfill my life, and not be filled by the love of God. But then God posed a question to me:

Would you be willing to give this person up for me?

Which I had absolutely never thought about before. So I thought and prayed about it.

You mean, like, give them up? Entirely? Never talk to them again? I couldn't talk to or hang out with or share with or potentially grow with ever again? Why would you ask me to do that? Could I do that? ....

YES, THAT'S WHAT' I'M ASKING. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

So I thought about it. Do I want to give that up? This is one of those things where I shut God out of my life. What kind of sacrifice am I willing to make to live the way He wants me to? My conclusion:

...No.

I don't want to do that...

Which immediately left me feeling low, empty, alone, turned off and tuned out. And I knew then the choice that had been laid out in front of me.

So, as soon as we were dismissed, I headed back to the prayer room in the back of the building, tears streaming down my face the whole time. And I paced. And I sat. And I stood and rocked. And I cried. But most importantly, I prayed. I verified what the request was. And I prayed in a spirit of sorrow, of despair. I felt like the daughter of Jephthah, asking for a brief time of mourning over what I would lose. And I grappled with it for what seemed like forever.

And I came to a place where I could say, "I don't want this. But if it's for my benefit and for the glory of Your kingdom, then I offer it up and give it for you to take." I decided that I would live through this fear of being alone to know Him better. And I sang a bit. Key phrases of songs that I love, like from one of Phil Laeger's:

Show me Your face: the heaviest cross will then seem light to bear
There will be gain in every loss and perfect peace with every care
...Show me Your beautiful face and all the rest will fade away.

And I cried some more. And I lifted up my arms in praise of the One who fills me with more than anyone ever could. I offered myself in trust of my Caring Father, who works everything out for the good of those who love Him. And I prayed that He would help me be okay with not having control, and help me hear how to honor Him in this request, since I have no idea how to go about doing this.

And as I glanced over at the wall, having made my vow and given up those who I hold dear, I saw this verse, which gave me great hope:

Have faith in the LORD your God, and you will be upheld. - 2 Chronicles 20:20

Six months later....

I've gone through a long and harsh winter season. Literally and figuratively. But I was inspired to write today as I was walking home. Here are my thoughts:

Today's temperatures skyrocketed for our small town, going from mildly cold yesterday to near 60 today. People were wearing shorts, very few of us had coats, and all around we as a community were enjoying this mini heat wave that graced our campus.

Now, the snow is mostly gone. Almost all of it. And as graduation rapidly approaches, the campus will transform from Winter Wonderland to Alice in Wonderland. No, not really, but I liked it, so I wrote it. Point being, it's gonna look good. But it's not quite there yet. In fact, it's nowhere near "pretty".

The overall colors that hit one's eyes seem to be muted. Everything has an air of dead around it. No leaves yet. The grass is a very dull green with lots of brown spots. The creek is frozen over with some puddles lying on top of the ice and little ripples along the banks. Dead leaves cover everything, sticking out from underneath the snow, blowing across the sidewalks. Snowbanks that have been plowed to the side of the road are inundated with dirt, melting into streams of grime and mire. And large, fat ravens stalk the lawns.

And yet, beneath all the signs of death and time holding still, there's still some aspect of potential. You know that the green hues of the grass will spring back to life. Those dead leaves will get raked up or disintegrate and feed the ground again, and new leaves will spring out from the blossoms that pop up first. The sparrows will (hopefully) outnumber the ravens. The snow will melt, the creek will flow at normal speeds. And the sand and dirt and salt still left on the roads will be washed away.

So, the potential is there. And the lifeless signs are there as well. So where's the redemption? In the midst of feeling like I need to recover, to come back to life, to step back up to the beauty that I was created to be, I can only see a wasteland. But I know there's potential there! I know that underneath all of the muck, there's beauty to be seen, experienced. So where is it? It comes in the small things. Today, I felt the warm breeze on my face, blowing my hair, not the biting wind. I heard wind chimes softly ringing in the distance. And I saw the sun! It peeked through the clouds, warmed up the air, cast shadows, promised hope! Fulfilled light!

These little things encourage me. They tell me that the wasteland can be cleared, and the beauty will show once again.