Having recently realized that I had not ever given full surrender of my life up to God, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was high time that I did so. I made and continue to make a conscious effort to live the life of Christ, letting the Spirit work through me, and moving myself out of the way. It's not easy. And I don't always succeed. But I'm trying. Actually trying this time, not like before when I was living like God just took what He wanted and I had to try to be a good person the rest of the time. So, yes, the last few weeks in a nutshell: living out sanctification.
So I've been praying for a bit for God to reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not giving up to Him. Listening is the tough part...trying to hear the not-always-obvious ways that God points these things out. I know there are things that I'm trying to keep for myself, but I'm not always sure how to classify them or make it better.
Well, today at church, God answered my prayer, in part. I was trying to pray along with the Captain after the sermon, and my mind kept wandering to recent events and hypothetical situations involving some friends of mine. He reminded me of the fact that I tend to idolize people. Which of course, got me a little repentant and ashamed, because I know it's true. I tend to count more on others to fulfill my life, and not be filled by the love of God. But then God posed a question to me:
Would you be willing to give this person up for me?
Which I had absolutely never thought about before. So I thought and prayed about it.
You mean, like, give them up? Entirely? Never talk to them again? I couldn't talk to or hang out with or share with or potentially grow with ever again? Why would you ask me to do that? Could I do that? ....
YES, THAT'S WHAT' I'M ASKING. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
YES, THAT'S WHAT' I'M ASKING. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
So I thought about it. Do I want to give that up? This is one of those things where I shut God out of my life. What kind of sacrifice am I willing to make to live the way He wants me to? My conclusion:
...No.
I don't want to do that...
Which immediately left me feeling low, empty, alone, turned off and tuned out. And I knew then the choice that had been laid out in front of me.
So, as soon as we were dismissed, I headed back to the prayer room in the back of the building, tears streaming down my face the whole time. And I paced. And I sat. And I stood and rocked. And I cried. But most importantly, I prayed. I verified what the request was. And I prayed in a spirit of sorrow, of despair. I felt like the daughter of Jephthah, asking for a brief time of mourning over what I would lose. And I grappled with it for what seemed like forever.
And I came to a place where I could say, "I don't want this. But if it's for my benefit and for the glory of Your kingdom, then I offer it up and give it for you to take." I decided that I would live through this fear of being alone to know Him better. And I sang a bit. Key phrases of songs that I love, like from one of Phil Laeger's:
So, as soon as we were dismissed, I headed back to the prayer room in the back of the building, tears streaming down my face the whole time. And I paced. And I sat. And I stood and rocked. And I cried. But most importantly, I prayed. I verified what the request was. And I prayed in a spirit of sorrow, of despair. I felt like the daughter of Jephthah, asking for a brief time of mourning over what I would lose. And I grappled with it for what seemed like forever.
And I came to a place where I could say, "I don't want this. But if it's for my benefit and for the glory of Your kingdom, then I offer it up and give it for you to take." I decided that I would live through this fear of being alone to know Him better. And I sang a bit. Key phrases of songs that I love, like from one of Phil Laeger's:
Show me Your face: the heaviest cross will then seem light to bear
There will be gain in every loss and perfect peace with every care
...Show me Your beautiful face and all the rest will fade away.
There will be gain in every loss and perfect peace with every care
...Show me Your beautiful face and all the rest will fade away.
And I cried some more. And I lifted up my arms in praise of the One who fills me with more than anyone ever could. I offered myself in trust of my Caring Father, who works everything out for the good of those who love Him. And I prayed that He would help me be okay with not having control, and help me hear how to honor Him in this request, since I have no idea how to go about doing this.
And as I glanced over at the wall, having made my vow and given up those who I hold dear, I saw this verse, which gave me great hope:
Have faith in the LORD your God, and you will be upheld. - 2 Chronicles 20:20
And as I glanced over at the wall, having made my vow and given up those who I hold dear, I saw this verse, which gave me great hope:
Have faith in the LORD your God, and you will be upheld. - 2 Chronicles 20:20
3 comments:
I'm glad you're asking these questions and allowing yourself to be challenged. That's a good thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I would however wonder about the sacrifice it seems you have decided to make. It could very well be what He has asked, but the only reason I could think of God asking me to give up a friendship would be if it were for some reason sinful or causing me to sin. Otherwise, God wants us to depend on each other and be involved in each others lives. Listening is the hardest thing in the world to do, so I would talk to some other people and get their thoughts.
Keep writing!!
I don't think He asked me to actually give up my friendships. It was more of a hypothetical. Like, "if this is what I wanted, would you do it for me and deny yourself the things you want most?" The point being, I place other people ahead of God, rely on them more to give me what I need. So the question was more along the lines of how much more do I want God than others. And now comes the part where I have to identify the times when I don't depend on Him. Does that make more sense?
Beautiful thoughts from a profound woman of God. I understand your struggle that comes when God reveals to us what it has replaced Him in our lives.
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