Tasteless Words

As is usual for me, I learned something the other day through words. I cannot believe how etymologically-centered I am at times. I spell words in my head as I speak and listen, so if I process something with a homophone or just the wrong word entirely, I become very confused very quickly until my brain can correct itself (with what looks like a dictionary in my visuospatial sketchpad). Hopefully, this gives you some sort of idea how strikingly words affect my thinking.


In talking with a friend of mine, the conversation took itself towards a vague reference of physical pain. Well, this was not really suitable for me, so I decided to redirect. Because the conversation was over the internet, I could quite easily play with the words in my head. So I added a letter, and turned the verb from "tased" to "tasted". Now, as you may have been able to see coming, this turned the conversation into something that was ... less than desirable for a moment.

And as I continued the conversation with my friend, on a completely different topic, I realized what I had done. I had actively chosen to speak in a manner that was somewhat dirty than to focus on pain. I desired so much to divert from the subject of pain that I defamed my character. After thinking about this for a while, I still have no clue why I did that! I trust the friend with whom I was speaking; it's not like I was trying to protect myself from anything. Yet there was something that was so incredibly strong pulling me away from the conversation about pain.


When is it okay to decide that it is better for me to be less reputable than the person I aim to be in order to avoid discomfort? This ties in to peer pressure, of course, but I want to focus more on the fact that this friend had to see a lesser version of myself because I didn't want to experience pain in the interaction with this person. I showed an ugly part of me that I am not proud of and try to improve about myself. All for the sake of hiding what I saw as a vulnerable part of who I am - a sensitivity to pain. It's also a possibility that who I was talking to made a difference; I had no desire to associate this person with any additional pain in our relationship.

But I made a terrible mistake. I sacrificed an opportunity for me to share with this friend a part of who I am, whether I like that trait or not. I gave up a chance at communally sharing in responsibility over words and thoughts, and I denied it to save face. The horrible part is that I didn't save face at all; to me, I lost more giving up dignity than giving up the secrecy of this discomfort.

As much as I love words, everything about them, and the quantity in which I use them, I must keep in mind that they are precious. They can protect or destroy any part of you, and not always coming from someone else. They represent who you are. Be careful.

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. - James 1:26