Why grace for me?

Pinky Swear

2012-02-03T09:00:00.004-05:00

My apologies for not updating more quickly on Romans. I still have my materials, so that will hopefully be coming out soon. But this morning's thought was far too pressing of a matter for me to not write it for the sake of continuing a story line.

I was thinking back on choices I've made and how God uses the bits and pieces of our lives to weave this overall picture of grace and forgiveness. And I thought of specific moments when I didn't believe what God was saying. When, for some reason, I did not think He was serious or fully aware of the situation. The first time, my answer was, "Well, okay, I guess I can deal with that." The second time, my answer was, "Oh, well, you must have just meant that first time. So now I'm in the clear, right?" ....................................why did I think that?

It seems to me that this is a part of the human condition. Why do we not take God at His Word? Why don't we believe what He says? I think we often hear Him and think that the truth He gives us is conditional or temporary. Our God does not change - His character is everlasting; so why do we think that His will for us is so flexible? When we receive a message from the Holy Spirit telling us to avoid this-that-or-the-other-thing, we are quick to say yes. For that moment. But if the same principle comes up later in a different scenario, then the truth of God's Word does not change. Yet we look at it and say that it's not the same, or it doesn't apply to this instance. Or we say, "God, you've asked for this part of who I am, for me to surrender this entire aspect. Here, take it. I give it freely. But surely you didn't mean for this section of this part. That doesn't fall under the scope of what you've asked for."

God is not human. He doesn't go back on what He says. If we stop believing the veracity and endurance of what He has said to us, then not only are we robbing ourselves of the blessing of obedience, but we are qualifying God as less than Holy. Who are we to say that God didn't mean it? Why don't we trust Him when He says He's got our best interests at heart, and the things that He tells us are to bring about the best possible outcome for us? He does not fail us. When we give ourselves into His keeping, we don't get to pick and choose when to listen. Being a living sacrifice means that you do not keep your own identity - you become the necessary thing to that which you are sacrificing. We are His children and His identifiable Body to a world in need of His mercy and grace and UNADULTERATED LOVE, yet as we go out into this world, we so often turn back and say, "Are you sure? That can't be right." How does that show our faith? How does that justify us to unbelievers who do not think that this figurehead can be trusted?

There are always places where we keep God's Word contained and specifically designated. One of mine was "No Houghton boys." It took many years for me to believe that when God said that to me, He meant it. Always. Not just in one circumstance. When God says "Love others," He means all others. When God says "Do not lust," He means with anyone. When He says "Give me your burdens," He means all of them. When He asks, "Be mine completely?" He means every part of you. He's not trying to trick you, to play mind games, to trap you into something later. When God tells you something - believe it.

God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried it through?

- Numbers 23:19

Romans, part one

2011-09-28T15:57:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to present Romans 8 during a Holiness meeting as the Scripture basis for the message. To prepare for this undertaking, I tried to get a gestalt of the first seven chapters in order to better understand the message of chapter 8. My notes are a little discombobulated, so please be patient if my ramblings don't quite make sense. I promise, there was a point behind all of them.

At the start of the letter, Paul chooses in his intro to make declarative statements about who the Roman believers are, so that anyone reading would not misinterpret what they believe and with whom they aligned themselves. They are a part of an epic story of LOVE and POWER that holds heavy ramifications throughout the ages. Paul takes a moment to let them in on the knowledge of their effectiveness as believers throughout a wide geographical region, before he reveals his prayers for them. And as we know from the book of James, the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective.

As I kept reading, this is what I understood:
We have an instinctual knowledge of right and wrong as the result of sin, and God's anger at sin remains. Along with this knowledge, being created in the image of God gives us a propensity towards seeing His fingerprints on the world around us. Therefore, we know right and wrong, and we KNOW God, so we are in no way cleared from the guilt that accompanies sin (before forgiveness). One aspect of wickedness is not separate from the other aspects - one sin is not on a different level from another; if a little sin is there, you are sinful, and other sins and lies to deceive your heart will come after the first like a flood. When you're not focusing on the true nature of god, your thoughts and actions become the opposite of His will. God's calling for you is derived from His character. KNOW JESUS.

In Search of Love

2010-06-12T15:01:00.006-04:00

I have often thought of things that I wanted to post here in the past few months. I've neglected to do so because most of what I've been pondering or have felt I have discovered has felt very personal in nature, and I thought it would be more advantageous of me to keep it to myself and 'ponder these things in my heart' instead. Perhaps I'll find myself writing out some of these things in the days to come.

However, I've been thinking about what's going to happen in the coming months. I'll be working at a summer camp as part of the Christian Education staff. Every day, I'll be teaching children in the Jesus And Me time, as well as helping out with the other curriculum for the camp. The thoughts have been swirling around my mind about what I'm going to try to instill in these kids and what sort of action I need to take so that my every day appearance supports the lessons that I'll be teaching.

There are so many things that I want to say! So many values I want to give them! But there's no way I can cram them all into one summer. And if I teach one lesson one week, then those kids don't get the lesson for the next week, nor do the next week's kids get the previous week's lesson. Okay, that may not seem like a tragedy, but I really want to fulfill this position to the best of my abilities. Therefore, I've been looking for an overall theme from which to grab lessons. The more that I dwell on it, the more one solitary answer keeps coming back to me: Love.

Now, I must admit that I do not understand love. I utilize love and I receive love as best I can, but, like most people, I do not have the comprehension needed to fully take in the true meaning of love. For the past six months, I've been in a relationship with a great man, and we've been learning what love means. Now, we are both dynamic individuals, and therefore have found that love often includes disagreements and exists in spite of argumentation. But our affection for each other remains, and our love is merely mortal. Think of the capacity of God's Love beyond that!

So, this summer, I will be doing a study on Love. I've been working through God's characteristics and God's love for us for a while, but I want to go deeper. I want to wade through the waters of the overwhelming LOVE that God has for us. And the more I know it, the more I can enact it, and the more ably I'll be able to teach it. Or at least show it. I'm not quite sure how that works yet. But I am excited to find out!

Some potential sources I hope to use:
C. S. Lewis - The Four Loves
Francine Rivers - Redeeming Love
The four Gospels
Hosea
Genesis
C. S. Lewis - Mere Christianity
Paul Young - The Shack

Let me know if you have any other suggestions. And pray for me. =)

Tasteless Words

2010-04-05T21:43:00.004-04:00

As is usual for me, I learned something the other day through words. I cannot believe how etymologically-centered I am at times. I spell words in my head as I speak and listen, so if I process something with a homophone or just the wrong word entirely, I become very confused very quickly until my brain can correct itself (with what looks like a dictionary in my visuospatial sketchpad). Hopefully, this gives you some sort of idea how strikingly words affect my thinking.

In talking with a friend of mine, the conversation took itself towards a vague reference of physical pain. Well, this was not really suitable for me, so I decided to redirect. Because the conversation was over the internet, I could quite easily play with the words in my head. So I added a letter, and turned the verb from "tased" to "tasted". Now, as you may have been able to see coming, this turned the conversation into something that was ... less than desirable for a moment.

And as I continued the conversation with my friend, on a completely different topic, I realized what I had done. I had actively chosen to speak in a manner that was somewhat dirty than to focus on pain. I desired so much to divert from the subject of pain that I defamed my character. After thinking about this for a while, I still have no clue why I did that! I trust the friend with whom I was speaking; it's not like I was trying to protect myself from anything. Yet there was something that was so incredibly strong pulling me away from the conversation about pain.

When is it okay to decide that it is better for me to be less reputable than the person I aim to be in order to avoid discomfort? This ties in to peer pressure, of course, but I want to focus more on the fact that this friend had to see a lesser version of myself because I didn't want to experience pain in the interaction with this person. I showed an ugly part of me that I am not proud of and try to improve about myself. All for the sake of hiding what I saw as a vulnerable part of who I am - a sensitivity to pain. It's also a possibility that who I was talking to made a difference; I had no desire to associate this person with any additional pain in our relationship.

But I made a terrible mistake. I sacrificed an opportunity for me to share with this friend a part of who I am, whether I like that trait or not. I gave up a chance at communally sharing in responsibility over words and thoughts, and I denied it to save face. The horrible part is that I didn't save face at all; to me, I lost more giving up dignity than giving up the secrecy of this discomfort.

As much as I love words, everything about them, and the quantity in which I use them, I must keep in mind that they are precious. They can protect or destroy any part of you, and not always coming from someone else. They represent who you are. Be careful.

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. - James 1:26

Tough Love

2010-03-26T09:31:00.006-04:00

What is love?

That's actually been a running joke among some people I know. But I ask it today without the mocking voice and with sincere intent. What is it? What does it look like? How is it expressed? Does it last? Can we depend on it? Can we embody it? Can we only tap into it once in a while?
I found out recently that a friend of mine is in the process of divorce. He's not that old, and not been married that long. I don't know any of the details. But I know I used to look at him and say to myself, 'he knows what love is.' And right now my heart aches for him.

Isn't it surprising how the people we depend on for certain things or look up to in certain situations can be just like us? Shaky. Unreliable. Unsure. Hurting.

If love is patient, and love is kind, not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude, not insisting on its own way or irritable or resentful, not rejoicing in wrongdoing but in truth, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all thing, and NEVER ENDING..... what does that look like? That is not me. I am many of those nots and not enough of those is-s. It is not you. I'm sure you have the trait that is opposite of at least one of these characteristics.

God is love. Yes, I understand this, as much as my mortal mind will allow me to do so. But we are not God. And I'm not trying to limit the power of Christ within us by any means; I am, however, trying to be realistic in pointing out our human nature.
I am fearful of never being able to experience love. Maybe more specifically, I am fearful of putting my trust in love the way that humans express it. To overgeneralize to the point of falsehood: I do not trust God's followers. I trust LOVE Himself; I pour myself to Him because I know that He will not let me down. But I find myself guarded to the 'little Christs', the 'little Loves'.
Because quite honestly, we fail.

The more I watch us fail at practicing love, the more fearful I get. The more guarded I become. I've built high walls around my heart so that the only communication that happens is vertical. I've shut off the possibility of being vulnerable with other people; maybe not completely, but enough that I've begun to notice just how distant I've become. I was listening to a sermon last night that said that when you form a friendship, you are risking getting hurt. And the deeper that friendship is, the more hurt you will be by betrayal. Look at Jesus and Judas. He brought Judas into the twelve, He gave him the money box (trust), He washed his feet (servanthood), and He gave him the bread dipped in wine (the sign in ancient times of the host finding great value in someone, considering them highly favored and special to them, a good friend).

And Christ handed him that bread knowing that a mere moment later, he would leave and get everything together to turn Him over. Ultimate betrayal. And..... He did it anyway.

Today especially I have a hard time feeling love. Life's like that, right? When everything hits you at once and you just don't know how else to respond. I do not want to love anyway. I do not want to give off huge parts of myself that put me at risk for great hurt. Because human love is unreliable. From anyone. (Except sometimes moms.)

But it's the greatest commandment. Love the Lord your God with all of you. And the second is like it, not underneath it or its afterthought: love your neighbor as yourself. And if I value my own heart enough to be hesitant of what I put out there, I should also value someone else's heart enough not to be the cause of that betrayal, right?

Love is hard. But love is asked of us. And I have to believe that somehow it's worth it.

Intellectual Scripture

2010-03-20T14:13:00.005-04:00

I'm visiting my sister at college. Not that this is unusual for me; I've been up to visit at least half a dozen times since August. But, as I'm sure every graduate who returns can agree, it is much different in many aspects than the time you spent there yourself.

I was in the shower this morning, of all places, and someone had put up a devotional on the wall. First of all, I think that's fantastic, and wish I would have thought of it while I was in the dorms. Secondly, the author said that she had been, "reading a little A.W. Tozer", which made me giggle, because it is my firm belief that Tozer writes nothing that is "little". Everything I ever seem to read of his is mind-blowing and inspirational. So I had a small chuckle at this.

But my third point is my strongest one. I read the devotional, liked it, tried to think about it while in the shower. The author seemed to start out with strong language to me, and I appreciated her style. (And I keep using the feminine pronouns because it's an all-girls dorm, and I am pretty sure no guys would go in to put devos in the girls' showers. I would find that entirely creepy.) It wasn't until a few minutes later did I realize that I had read the devotional without looking at the Scripture at the top. And the strong intro was really only an extension of the Scripture.

I had to stand still for a moment, with hot water pouring down my back and ask myself, "What does that say about me?" Let me explain: I consider myself an intellectual enthusiast. While I may think that I hold some amount of intellect, I am more interested in the pursuit of intellect, and the discussions that I feel perpetuate a growth in knowledge and express evidence of it. So, I was quite excited to hear someone else's thoughts about the content matter. So excited, in fact, that I paid no attention to the Scriptural basis for the thoughts.

Since when have I decided that there are parts of Scripture that are 'less intelligent' than others? This particular passage was a section from the psalms; did I somehow think that it was less important than what was written by this girl? It's not like I didn't see it; it was a paragraph in italics at the top of the page. If I want a chunk of Scripture that I can really dig into, I head to the New Testament, and I'll save the Psalms for an emotional catharsis. Where did I learn how to categorize Scripture like that and not allow the full impact of God's Word to transcend my mental boundaries? This is only one of those things that is running through my mind at a fast pace and causing me a little bit of grief today.

Geez, way to go, self. Now knock it off.

Idols and Shadows

2009-05-27T22:42:00.004-04:00

I decided that I needed to write again. However, in trying to settle on a topic, I ended up looking back to my last post to see what I had written. After going through it, here I sit, on my bed, my eyes overflowing with tears.

I confess, that effort to live out sanctification has failed over the past few months.

It seems as though whenever I put something ahead of God, it ends up being people instead of things. Idolatry is not meant purely for golden calves, as Sunday school may have had us believing as young children. But I seem to make idols out of the people that I interact with, placing my relationships with others above my relationship with the Lord. And I'm afraid that concerning the lesson I learned, I did not treasure it in my heart as I should have.
I had said yes to God, and I had meant yes. But the circumstances that came after that decision caused me to act as though I had said no. And I didn't realize it. I did not look critically enough at the way that I was living in regards to the whole situation to see what I was doing. And with the fact that it revolved around others, leads me to ponder the concept of love.

I've been thinking lately a lot about the concept of loving others, and what that looks like. Partially inspired by the thought of love languages, I've realized that the way that I try to show love to others is more the way that I want love to be shown to me, and not necessarily the way that they would like to receive love. I know, this sounds kinda weird, but if you understand what I'm talking about, then you can understand how this is potentially a huge topic to dwell on. There are some people with whom I am hyper-aware of how I treat them. Past experience has taught me that my attention needs to be direct to the words that I choose to use and the tones that I emphasize. How I talk to one of my sisters, for example, cannot be echoed in how I talk to another, and both of these may be different than how I talk to the third. Everyone receives words and acts of love differently. So how can I show that?

On the other side of things....how can I show love to God? For One who epitomizes the word, whose very existence is its definition, is reflecting Him how I show Him I love Him? Seems that way to me. Huh - look at that. One sentence, and I may have an answer for once.

But here's the catch. To reflect God, to show our love for Him in reverent adoration, both to Him and to others, we must know who He is. What He stands for, what characteristics abound in His being. Same with others; in order to see how they love and receive likewise, we must know them. Who they are, what they stand for, what their characteristics are. This takes time. This takes purposeful relationship building. And in trying to develop that, it seemed to me that I had lost sight of the Foundational Relationship, the one essential both to my own survival, but also to that of my friendships. Knowing and reflecting Christ is the best jump-start to any relationship. And by forgetting Him, I had allowed my other relationships to crumble.

"The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ."
- Oswald Chambers

Behind Door # 1

2009-03-15T19:54:00.004-04:00

Praise God for answered prayers!

Having recently realized that I had not ever given full surrender of my life up to God, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was high time that I did so. I made and continue to make a conscious effort to live the life of Christ, letting the Spirit work through me, and moving myself out of the way. It's not easy. And I don't always succeed. But I'm trying. Actually trying this time, not like before when I was living like God just took what He wanted and I had to try to be a good person the rest of the time. So, yes, the last few weeks in a nutshell: living out sanctification.

So I've been praying for a bit for God to reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not giving up to Him. Listening is the tough part...trying to hear the not-always-obvious ways that God points these things out. I know there are things that I'm trying to keep for myself, but I'm not always sure how to classify them or make it better.

Well, today at church, God answered my prayer, in part. I was trying to pray along with the Captain after the sermon, and my mind kept wandering to recent events and hypothetical situations involving some friends of mine. He reminded me of the fact that I tend to idolize people. Which of course, got me a little repentant and ashamed, because I know it's true. I tend to count more on others to fulfill my life, and not be filled by the love of God. But then God posed a question to me:

Would you be willing to give this person up for me?

Which I had absolutely never thought about before. So I thought and prayed about it.

You mean, like, give them up? Entirely? Never talk to them again? I couldn't talk to or hang out with or share with or potentially grow with ever again? Why would you ask me to do that? Could I do that? ....

YES, THAT'S WHAT' I'M ASKING. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

So I thought about it. Do I want to give that up? This is one of those things where I shut God out of my life. What kind of sacrifice am I willing to make to live the way He wants me to? My conclusion:

...No.

I don't want to do that...

Which immediately left me feeling low, empty, alone, turned off and tuned out. And I knew then the choice that had been laid out in front of me.

So, as soon as we were dismissed, I headed back to the prayer room in the back of the building, tears streaming down my face the whole time. And I paced. And I sat. And I stood and rocked. And I cried. But most importantly, I prayed. I verified what the request was. And I prayed in a spirit of sorrow, of despair. I felt like the daughter of Jephthah, asking for a brief time of mourning over what I would lose. And I grappled with it for what seemed like forever.

And I came to a place where I could say, "I don't want this. But if it's for my benefit and for the glory of Your kingdom, then I offer it up and give it for you to take." I decided that I would live through this fear of being alone to know Him better. And I sang a bit. Key phrases of songs that I love, like from one of Phil Laeger's:

Show me Your face: the heaviest cross will then seem light to bear
There will be gain in every loss and perfect peace with every care
...Show me Your beautiful face and all the rest will fade away.

And I cried some more. And I lifted up my arms in praise of the One who fills me with more than anyone ever could. I offered myself in trust of my Caring Father, who works everything out for the good of those who love Him. And I prayed that He would help me be okay with not having control, and help me hear how to honor Him in this request, since I have no idea how to go about doing this.

And as I glanced over at the wall, having made my vow and given up those who I hold dear, I saw this verse, which gave me great hope:

Have faith in the LORD your God, and you will be upheld. - 2 Chronicles 20:20

Six months later....

2009-03-06T14:38:00.006-05:00

I've gone through a long and harsh winter season. Literally and figuratively. But I was inspired to write today as I was walking home. Here are my thoughts:

Today's temperatures skyrocketed for our small town, going from mildly cold yesterday to near 60 today. People were wearing shorts, very few of us had coats, and all around we as a community were enjoying this mini heat wave that graced our campus.

Now, the snow is mostly gone. Almost all of it. And as graduation rapidly approaches, the campus will transform from Winter Wonderland to Alice in Wonderland. No, not really, but I liked it, so I wrote it. Point being, it's gonna look good. But it's not quite there yet. In fact, it's nowhere near "pretty".

The overall colors that hit one's eyes seem to be muted. Everything has an air of dead around it. No leaves yet. The grass is a very dull green with lots of brown spots. The creek is frozen over with some puddles lying on top of the ice and little ripples along the banks. Dead leaves cover everything, sticking out from underneath the snow, blowing across the sidewalks. Snowbanks that have been plowed to the side of the road are inundated with dirt, melting into streams of grime and mire. And large, fat ravens stalk the lawns.

And yet, beneath all the signs of death and time holding still, there's still some aspect of potential. You know that the green hues of the grass will spring back to life. Those dead leaves will get raked up or disintegrate and feed the ground again, and new leaves will spring out from the blossoms that pop up first. The sparrows will (hopefully) outnumber the ravens. The snow will melt, the creek will flow at normal speeds. And the sand and dirt and salt still left on the roads will be washed away.

So, the potential is there. And the lifeless signs are there as well. So where's the redemption? In the midst of feeling like I need to recover, to come back to life, to step back up to the beauty that I was created to be, I can only see a wasteland. But I know there's potential there! I know that underneath all of the muck, there's beauty to be seen, experienced. So where is it? It comes in the small things. Today, I felt the warm breeze on my face, blowing my hair, not the biting wind. I heard wind chimes softly ringing in the distance. And I saw the sun! It peeked through the clouds, warmed up the air, cast shadows, promised hope! Fulfilled light!

These little things encourage me. They tell me that the wasteland can be cleared, and the beauty will show once again.

The Normal Questions?

2008-09-15T23:23:00.005-04:00

Today I mourn.

A very good friend of mine passed away this morning. To my understanding, about a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer, and it had very rapidly progressed since. On Thursday I found out he was going home with Hospice, so I knew I was just waiting. This morning, he was what we call in The Salvation Army "promoted to Glory". And I know that my friend Ray has no more suffering, no more pain, no more disease, and is with his Lord and Savior, rejoicing in fellowship.

But today, I mourn.

And primarily because of his passing, which is understandable. But I also mourn the fact that I'm now dealing with issues of faith that seem to me to be almost irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but incredibly integral to the way that I interact with other Christians in this setting. For the past year, hundreds of people were praying that Ray would experience miraculous healing. I saw phrases like,

We pray that God will give you healing and comfort. ....and....
I pray for you every day, and I know God will bless you because of how much you've blessed me. ...and.....
We love you. Know that we're praying for a fast recovery and we believe God will give it to you.

and other notes of encouragement to the believers that if we pray enough and with fervor, somehow he would get better. And it angers me to think that these people would spiritualize the situation so much that they forget the reality. And the reality is that God sometimes answers prayers with a "no". Now, I'm not looking for a debate on this. I realize that there are key aspects to having faith that I'm not acknowledging. But I'm not addressing that now. We can talk about that later.

The other thing is reminiscent of the fact that literally hundreds of people were praying for Ray to get better. And even though we know that he's in a better place, without the distress that he ended his life in, and he gets to experience the glory that most of us are longing for - - - I have to ask why? So many of us wanted Ray to get better. And we reconcile his passing with "Well, God wanted him there with Him." Does that mean that God was selfish? I want to be selfish! I know that heaven is better for Ray than here, but I want Ray back. I feel like if Ray were at his best here on earth, if he had gotten a miraculous healing, that he could have accomplished so much more. Why couldn't God give him back to us? Why didn't God let him do more for Him? And if God really wanted him so much....can't He understand that we want him that much too?

I write this in an attempt to have a bit of catharsis, because I'm tired of crying. I've cried small tears for weeks, and much more today. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I'm feeling, and the things that I'm asking. I wish that you all could have met Ray. He was a great guy... the kind that you never forget, nor want to. I loved him. He was an example and an encourager to me, and I shall miss him dearly. And I pray for Ray's wife and son, and I ask that you do the same. I don't expect answers to these questions. If you have insight, feel free, as usual, to share it. But keep in mind the community that is mourning and questioning. We lean on our God, because we know that He will never leave or forsake us. Just like He was always with Ray.

Seasonal Shift

2008-06-16T12:55:00.006-04:00

I hear people say that there is a season for everything. Yes, yes, I know that's true. But for someone who likes schedules and control, and for whom change is especially difficult to overcome, moving from one season to another tends to send me into a bit of an uproar.

My parents are moving to another state while I'm traveling with work this summer. It's not that I'm upset about this, because being away at school 9 months out of the year means that it doesn't affect me too much. But the idea of not being able to go back is strange. I doubt that there's anyone that I'll miss too much, or places that I wish could transfer over, but the concept of leaving it all behind still bothers me. And the fact that I will not need or be able to settle in this new place is also a little disconcerting.

My social circles at school are changing. I've seen people leave and I watch new people coming in. It's not bad. Just different. But different is hard for me, especially with relationships. I think I've placed too much emphasis on them, but at the same time, I feel that if I cut off from them, I'm becoming too distant. Do I have that happy medium?

So here's my thought. If God provides a season for everything, He must also provide the transitory period between them, right? How does one search that out? Other than merely asking for it, what does one focus on through Bible study and fellowship and meditation and things like that on how to adapt from one season to the next? I know that trust is the first thing. So, the trust is being put there. The attempts at surrender for the sake of being kept are being made. What else can I do, and how can I change?

Gut-wrencher

2008-04-15T13:43:00.005-04:00

You ever get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you're supposed to do one thing, especially if it's to set an example for someone else, and you've just gotten through doing the exact opposite? And not only do you get that condemnation for not doing what you ought, but you also feel that conviction in your spirit, so your whole torso gets that twisting, tightening, gut-wrenching feeling. You know?

Yeah, me neither.

Lies. I had that entire thing yesterday. The topic of teen night was one that I had been wrestling with only a few days before, and had been soundly defeated. And despite the wrestling that I had done since with learning how to be forgiven and how to overcome this thing that was weighing me down, I still felt like it surrounded me. This sin was still holding me in bondage, it felt. And I sat there, talking to these young teens about this very sin, and how important it was to overcome it, and I didn't think that it was possible for me.

I compare this sin to the things that I want in life, because while I continue in it, I can't have what I want. I compare what I know to be right with what I want to have happen. I compare the things that I've resolved to strive for with the things that I've resorted to accepting. And I'm disappointed. And I'm dejected. And I despair in who I am. And this is where the condemnation vs. the conviction can become a trap. Condemnation is bad, conviction is good. However, the devil can use your feelings of conviction and turn that into feelings of condemnation if he knows you're vulnerable to it. And that's where I find myself.

I know who I am, and I know who I am to become. I know what price was paid for me, and I know what I need to do and change in order to fulfill the promise that accompanies my life. But I know that I mess up, like any other human being. As much as I try, and as much as I tell myself over and over what it is that I want, believing and striving for that righteousness of Christ, I still fall into sin. It happens. I gotta learn from it and move on. And that's difficult; it's hard to change your lifestyle and your mindsets. I can't let the fact that it's difficult send me into a despair that it won't be accomplished. I'm strengthened to overcome; no temptation is too difficult to disregard. I can do it. And even if not for myself, solely to set an example so that the teens that I was so embarrassed to sit in front of last night may not have to experience that same gut-wrenching feeling.

Knowledgable Hypocrisy

2008-04-01T17:06:00.005-04:00

While talking with a friend of mine, she compared Christians with politics. The comparison wasn't favorable despite the fact that she's a Christian herself. However, she's come across an unappealing view of Christians one too many times. I think we can all agree that Christians aren't perfect and never appear to be, but when hypocrisy comes across as the overarching description, then the viewer has every right to feel jaded.
Basically, the main complaint she held was that especially when it comes to service-oriented work or Christian-based employers, all that's needed to gain favor is to say the right thing. Never mind being honest and sharing your opinion, just use the right language and you're in. Once you've got the position, you can do whatever you want, and as another friend of mine chimed in, no one will care whether your actions are right or not, as long as it looks good. Like politicians.
Hypocrisy is wrong. It shows a lack of integrity and character. And for the good guys who hold on to their standards and continually act on their own conscience and belief systems, they see the things in life that they desire go flying by and given to the ones who fake it. And they get hurt and mad and feel gypped. And let's face it, they are.
But let's face another truth: it's not going to change. You're always going to run into people who lie and cheat and steal in order to make it to the top. It's part of life; it's part of humanity. And even though these are 'Christians' who should know better than to be hypocritical and who should act accordingly, quite often it's easier or more beneficial to say the right thing and do what you want.
Here's the question that is necessary for everyone to ask of themselves. Can the hypocrisy be helped? Is it on purpose? "Oh, no! Of course not! I'd never choose to be hypocritical." No, I don't suppose you would. But are the answers given and the face shown to others portrayed because it's right? Or because it's you? Maybe you know the answer, you comprehend all of the intricacies of the information, and you can regurgitate it to look good in front of someone else. But when it comes to your actions, your speech, the way you treat others - is the same information coming out? It comes from the heart, so are the right answers heart knowledge too, or merely head knowledge? Even if we're 'the good guys', is there something that we're doing that's just as hypocritical because our knowledge hasn't transfered from head to heart? Ask yourself.

Days Off

2008-03-11T22:47:00.003-04:00

"Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." - Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up..." - Galatians 6:9

As a college student, I'm more than accustomed to skipping a class, especially at 8 in the morning, if I don't feel up to going to it. I think the idea of an emotional health day, as ridiculous as some may call it, is one of the most ingenious phrases a man ever coined. When we feel like we've had enough of something, we give up and either take a break for a bit or move on to something else. It's like we have this constant desire for a change. No matter how much we like structure and schedules and habits, no one likes monotony. Especially if it involves effort.

I learned in a class last week about a "bliss point", the optimal point in any task where we get the most reward from the least effort. And no matter what the ratio is, we would rather put in less effort to get less reward than more effort to get more reward, and stay as close to our bliss point as possible.

We do this with Christianity. We get to the point where we're tired of doing the same thing time after time, tired of the effort that we put into it to receive what we perceive as minimal reward. We get this mindset that it's okay to take a day off from our faith...we don't have to work as hard today because we deserve some time to just settle. We don't overcome this obstacle with stronger faith and more prayer and an increase in Bible reading, but we rationalize that we won't lose our faith by taking the day off from trying so hard. Jesus will still love us, right?

Yes, He will.
He may not like the fact that we're giving up so easily, as seen in the above Bible verses. But He'll still love us. We're still Christians.

I know it's hard to continually put all of ourselves into something, even something that gives back, like our faith in Christ. And there are always going to be days when we don't want to keep going: we just want to take a break, a day off, or we just want to receive the reward without putting in so much effort. But we can keep going. We can handle it. We've been promised not only the continual presence and love of our God, but a great inheritance to be received. And we'll get it. We're assured of it.

"The permanence of God's character guarantees the fulfillment of his promises." - Arthur W. Pink

Value of Identity

2008-03-04T09:58:00.005-05:00

I've come to be quite fond of this blogging assignment, if solely for the fact that it provides me an excuse to come to the coffee shop once a week and indulge my caffeine addiction. I feel like I'm fitting into the whole coffeehouse stereotype, sipping my medium Peruvian coffee with cream and sugar (boring order today) while reflecting on my life and accomplishing something of purpose.

We all like to fit into something. Whether it be a group of people, or a label/title of some sort, or even to just blend into the background of a certain place, there is a part of us all that enjoys identifying ourselves with something or someone. We want to feel accepted. We want to feel like we belong. Not that we're trying to give up a sense of personal identity, but we want to know that our identity has a meaning, has an agreeableness to it that unites us with fellow human beings. Even nonconformists, the ones who go out of their way to prove that they are not like others, find their niche somewhere. They still have friends, they still have that camaraderie with other where they have decided to stand up to stereotypes or social expectations. No one is truly unique in the sense that no one else thinks or acts like they do. And although that statement seems a bit tragic, I think that we all take comfort in the fact that our need for social interaction and fellowship can be met at any point, within a wide variety of groups.

I can identify myself quite easily with a radical international group that is devoted to social justice and change. We're quite the sight, you know. We dress funny, all in a uniform fashion, looking quite uncomfortable and ready to take on an unseen enemy, seemingly militaristic, if you will. We go out into our neighborhoods, and sometimes overseas, talking to anyone who will listen about the way that we've come to identify ourselves with this group, and all of the reasons why you too can be a part of this group. We promise that you'll be loved, that you'll be accepted, that life will somehow be intrinsically better, and maybe you can even have this cool-looking outfit! We proselytize as much as we can, having recently adopted a new slogan in Come Join Our Army! We encourage membership, sometimes even blindly so. We sometimes target youth, in the hopes that their open minds and believing spirits will keep them joined to us as they grow. Catch them while they're young, right? We also go after the vulnerable people, the ones who seem to need the most reassurance of personal value. When we meet, we sing songs that only members know, we sit and stand at request, and we take a lot of what our leader says without question, trusting in the sacred book that he reads from.

Sounds like a cult, right? Sounds like something that only a fool could adhere to. No one with a right mind and sound judgment would fall for something so blatantly conniving. Well, The Salvation Army isn't a cult (no matter what some people tell you). We're part of the Christian church, not just a thrift store. We believe in the Bible as the Word of God, the doctrine of the Trinity, salvation through faith, justification and sanctification, the dual divinity and humanity of Christ, heaven and hell. We wear a uniform to set ourselves apart, making us easily recognizable and encouraging questions in order that we can share our faith. We outreach so fervently because we believe that everyone has access to the saving grace of Jesus Christ, and we want as many people as possible to know His love and grace, so we go out and preach it to whoever will listen.

Now, you can argue with me all you want that the way the Army goes about ministry is wrong, that the Army has some screwed up beliefs systems, that there is no God, and that such radical ideals give Christianity a bad name, whatever. But I get a sense of personal value from identifying myself as a child of God, as a prized daughter of the Almighty who He loves and cherishes, protects and for whom He provides. And not only that, but the Army also provides me with a sense of identity. I fit in to a large body of believers who share my faith. I can walk into any Army meeting hall wearing my uniform and be instantly accepted. We share a bloodline. My brothers and sisters in Christ welcome me in to their lives as Christ would Himself.

A sense of identity can come from many things. Whatever you belong to, the people around you can make you feel like you're worth something. But unless you know the value that is ascribed to you by your Heavenly Father, the Creator who made you with all of your features and talents and who loves you to no end, unless that worth is felt from Him to whom you belong, then what good is any other social identity? And if the Christian church, in any and all of its aspects, isn't perpetrating the Truth of personal value found in the personal relationship with God, if we're not showing the love of God, then what good are we? I see so many people -myself included - fall into the trap of thinking of themselves as worthless. They go after identity and value in so many things that will end up leaving them empty and longing for more. Christ, in whom we live and move and have our being, is our primary source of self-value. No, it's not always easy to think of yourself as highly regarded, as worthy of something so great as salvation or love. But it's the Truth. It's the rock on which we can lean when we feel like no one else cares; when we feel like we're alone and without any purpose. No value. That's where we can remind ourselves of our Father's love, and how He thinks we're awesome. And that's especially where we need to spread the information of the existence of that identity to those who don't know it's there for them. Make sense?

Mission: Myself.

2008-02-19T10:08:00.005-05:00

First of all, I laugh at the horrendously pathetic attempts I make to use alliteration in my titles. How cheesy. =P Okay, on to business.

Sometimes I wonder where the line is to be drawn between the selfishness of wanting to hear from God while doing His work and the reality that God speaks to the minister as well as those to whom ministry is being done. The Salvation Army Student Fellowship on campus has their annual Missions Trip coming up. We leave this coming Friday and are going to be in the southwest Ohio region until next Sunday. This is a very exciting trip for me, because I used to live down there, and I look forward to returning for a brief visit to familiar areas. But we're also going to be working with teens and helping with praise and worship for meetings, which are two of my favorite things to do in the church, so my excitement level is raised all the more.

However, with the number of people going, and the lack of difficulty in our tasks this coming week, I find myself wondering why I'm going. It's not like I made a conscious decision to go: I'd had planned all along to go and it really wasn't a decision for me to make; I was just going. My specific tasks on this trip aren't anything special. I'm leading a few songs, singing with the band, moderating a game or two, and giving a testimony. Simple, right? And easily covered should I become incapacitated for some reason or another. So, what's my purpose for going? I'm not needed. It's not imperative that I go along. So, why am I?

I'm not thinking of backing out. I still want to go. It should be fun, and I don't serve people enough in my life, so I'm hoping that this gets me into a habit of offering my time and talents to others. I also want to get something out of this trip. I want something for me. I want to hear God speak to me, give me some direction, urge me to grow through something specific. I almost want that more than I want to serve. Is it wrong to be so selfish about a missions trip? Everybody I've ever met that's gone overseas on a missions trip talks about how their own lives were changed while they thought they were going to change the lives of others... am I allowed to want that even before I leave?

It's taking a great deal of attention to not become self-centered about this trip. I don't want to view this as a mini-homecoming for myself. I don't want to get caught up in the trap of "I've been in the Army all my life, and I know how things operate, so I'm better at this than you." Unfortunately, I've done that before. It doesn't get me any friends, I'll tell you that much. I don't want to get all pout-y because I'm not the center of attention. Because honestly, one of my biggest faults is that I have real problems with favoritism when it's not directed towards me. But I don't want my focus to be on what I'm going to learn, either. Somehow I feel that that's selfish, too; that it distracts me from the work that I will be doing.

So how much of this desire for myself is valid? How much of it am I allowed to indulge in without feeling like I've turned an opportunity to serve the Lord into an act of self-idolatry? And most importantly, how can I focus my attention where it needs to be, changing my thoughts so that I can be of the utmost use where God chooses? I don't know that I have anything to offer these adults and youth groups that we'll be working with. And with my current mindset, I don't know if anything that I could potentially give is going to be worth anything. It's not that I'm pessimistic about being used. I honestly don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind to be utilized. Got any idea?

Silence Sings

2008-02-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

I'm in silence. I woke up on Saturday without a voice. I hadn't been screaming, I hadn't been singing too much, and there was nothing I could do to stop the cold that suddenly pounced on me from taking my voice. There is no rapid cure for laryngitis, no matter what the cause. In the meantime, I do what I can, drinking more tea than is healthy for the average college student, enough water to match, and talking with as much force as I can, since I'm told that whispering is about the worst thing I could do. I'm sitting in the coffee shop as I type, with a rapidly cooling cup of tea to my left, mocking me as if it knows that I have no choice but to drink up. I am so sick of tea right now.
Probably the best thing for me would be to take a few naps in a day, but being a college student, life gets busy quickly, and as of late, that has not been a viable option. My friends try to help by telling me to shut up in order to get my voice back faster, but there's a sneaking suspicion in me that there's an ulterior motive behind each demand. It's not easy for me to be quiet; I'm a verbal person by nature. I love to talk, and I rely on my speech to effectively communicate. I don't really know any other way. And it doesn't help that I've had to lead class discussions in the meantime.
So, when this happens at any other point in time, I end up being a state of self-reflection, attempting to garner some kind of spiritual lesson out of it for myself, because obviously, God speaks through everything, right? Usually, the conclusion that I come to is that God just wants me to shut up and listen. To Him, to others, and just take the focus off of myself. That in-and-of itself is a difficult task, but especially when you're sick and you need to focus on your own wellbeing. But I would try, constantly reminding myself to change my focus, to look at someone else or try to feel the Spirit.
Confession: I come from a traditional church background and have always been skeptical of charismatic churches, not for their theology, but because the people that I've met from them give me an overall sense of distrust. I'm sure I'll talk more about at some point later. I say that to provide a sense of understanding for my next 'radical' statement: I don't feel the Spirit.
Now, let me explain. I'm not saying that I've never known God's presence or I've never felt the moving of God speaking to me. I have, just not often. And when I take the time to sit and purposely yearn and look for the Lord, He doesn't seem to want to show up. He likes to catch me off-guard. I'm getting better at the discipline of being still and meditating. But at the moment, it is the times when I've decided to shut up and listen that I don't hear a thing.
So here's my controversial point. God doesn't always speak. God gives us common sense and the ability and blessing of literacy so that we learn and know things about Him that stay with us. God's portable! We don't have to wait and ask to meet with Him and have Him speak with us. He speaks and expects us to listen, or at leasts allows it to wait and take time to sink in for those moments when we actually pause our lives. Sometimes He lets us do it ourselves. So God didn't take away my voice so that I'll listen to Him more intently. I'm sick. It happens. And if I'm really ready to do some soul-searching, I'm sure I've got a huge stockpile of things to dwell on that He's told me beforehand.
Okay, maybe that's not so controversial after all.

The Pathos Pulpit

2008-02-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

Jay Heinrichs, author of Thank You for Arguing, is a sarcastic cynic at best and a rhetorician at worst, which is probably why I liked to read him so much. I'm currently taking a class that is focusing at the moment primarily on rhetoric and persuasion, and Heinrichs was the first author we read. On the whole, my class agreed that his tips for successful persuasion and the concepts that he introduced tended more toward manipulation; propaganda, if you will, than persuasion. He said that it was more important for an argument to win than understanding one's audience and their concerns, their opinions, their questions, and how they view you. His ethics seem to be questionable, but his strategies are definitely ones that work. I suppose one could argue means to an end.
However, with all of the talk concerning public speaking and politics and persuasion, the back of my mind kept hounding me about another venue where rhetoric can be used...the pulpit. How often do the leaders of the church apply the principles of rhetoric from the pulpit? Principles like:

code grooming: using insider language to build group identity - "Christianese" in this case

pathos: argument by pure emotion - the 'hellfire awaits, save your soul now' approach popularly used by televangelists

ethos: the credibility of the speaker - is the mega-church pastor more holy or does he know more about the Scriptures than the pastor of the small church on the back road?

turning the volume up: adding little things to your argument to make it seem bigger than it is, larger than life - Can I get an Amen?!

Now, being in front of an audience means that your normal speech is adapted. And the principles of rhetoric do not have to be used without ethics, as Heinrichs may advocate. However, does the Church fall into the trap of using manipulative maneuvers from the pulpit, twisting the meaning of the Scriptures or using language to pull on the heartstrings of the congregation instead of the Spirit, instead of approaching the fellowship of the Church with a humble integrity and honesty with each other?
I've grown up in small congregations as part of a larger conglomerate of a church that spans nation and worldwide. I've had only three pastors in my life, and the most recent two have only been in the last three years. I hold them all in respectable positions, and probably apply the fundamental attribution error to each of them, saying that I don't see them conform to this misuse of rhetoric, and if they do, it can't be their fault.
But given my lack of experience in other church settings, I wonder if other churches and their pastors use any of this? Youth rallies will tend to make use of the pathos, pulling every story and quote they can find to get the teenagers to recognize the pull of the Spirit and come to Christ. But is it authentic? Are they really feeling the Spirit, or is it merely the emotion evoked by the speaker? Or is it both?
My question is, is it right for us to do this? Are we given permission in the Great Commission to save as many souls as possible by whatever means we can? And are the principles of rhetoric, manipulation of words and persuasion of an audience, acceptable to win souls for the Kingdom? I'm not trying to generalize, and I'm not trying to accuse anyone. I'm just asking. I'll be asking a lot. And not answering much. I'll leave that up to you.

Dreams of Accomplishment

2008-01-31T18:58:00.000-05:00

It seems that I like to use events in my life and interactions I've had with other people and apply Christian ideals to them to see how well I, and sometimes even the Christian society that I see around me, am living up to them.

Everyday interactions with people, or interactions that I see on campus, can provide a foundation for discussion and debate, no matter what the issue at hand is.

So, yes, the thoughts that are in my head today, but more focused on how Christian values can be applied to everyday situations, and hopefully get some thought-provoking questions in there that potential challenge not only myself, but any readers that come along.